And I'm Back Again...

This is the first time that I've logged onto this site since about August and I have to say that I'm kind of happy to return. I had a lot going on toward the end of summer. At that time, I decided to pick up a second job and went into Student Loan Repayment Overdrive, exerting myself through 17 hour work days, all in the name of cutting a dent into my debts. I some how managed to balance a job that made me hate waking up in the morning with another gig, to which the owner was a maniac that had me constantly questioning how much I really trusted him. Work drained me and I slept very little, usually catching some extra zzz's during my lunch breaks. Most of my time on the weekends was spent on my bike, attempting to reclaim that feeling of freedom and in the evenings, I was most likely at a bar with a PBR in hand, trying to find the escape from my misery in some girl's pants.

It's safe to say that I experienced a darker side of myself during those months. I can't remember another time that I had felt more stagnant, just kind of going through the motions everyday. I've known this for quite awhile, but sometimes you have to relearn the same lessons over again: there's no fulfillment is chasing paychecks. The happiness is fleeting, only lasting for that brief moment when I would check my bank account to see the direct deposits drop and then it's back to wanting more. The days all just kind of blurred together: job one followed by job two, the weekend and repeat. After a couple months of running on that hamster wheel, I said fuck it, quit both jobs and felt that it might be in my best interest to temporarily change my scenery and bring in some fresh energy by leaving Portland for a bit.

Portland, I'll see you again very soon.

I find myself in this constant state of evaluating and analyzing where I'm at and what I'm doing because I want to make sure that I'm using my time as best as possible. I don't ever want to get caught up drowning in the day-to-day, settled and comfortable with where I'm at and once you realize that there is more to life than the routine that is so readily laid out for us, you can never go back. You can't unlearn it. You can't undo the act of seeing it. Denying that fact will just repeatedly nag and torture you until you make that change. I look at life as this process that continually unfolds and when I find myself feeling fed up with being stuck in a particular regime, I do something about it by shaking things up and moving on to something new and unfamiliar. I've realized that I revel in the unknown. It keeps me on my toes, constantly learning and experiencing different facets of life. It puts me in situations outside of my comfort zone, exposing me to sides of myself that I've never seen before. In a way, it's like I'm meeting myself over and over again for the first time.

Even before all of my energy began to be siphoned away by work, I started getting bored with this site and the ideas I was coming up with. I really didn't want to write about social issues anymore and simply having an opinion didn't qualify me to do so in the first place. I didn't feel like I had any direction in what I was doing and once it wasn't fun to me anymore, I took a break.  

So that brings me to the present. Currently, I find myself in the mountains in Northern California, Soda Springs to be exact. It's cold, slightly remote and there's not really much of a social scene. With a fair amount of free time on my hands, my mindless internet consumption managed to reach an all-time peak. I had some thoughts about cutting my time here premature, but instead, I've decided to refocus my mindset and approach this place as if it were a retreat, giving me the space to tend to myself and heal. 

Soda Spring, CA, about 45 miles west of Reno, Nevada.

I forgot where I read this at, but there's this theory that I always hold in the back of my mind. It basically says that in order to be happy and fulfilled, we must find the perfect balance between how much we create and how much we consume in our daily lives. I don't remember the exact numbers, but I think the creating vs. consuming split was like 60/40. In my mind, creating is output. It can be something as simple as cooking a meal or giving myself a haircut, while consuming can range from the obvious, like eating or watching tv, to the not so obvious, like reading a book or listening to music

With very limited access to resources, I've come to the conclusion that writing is one of the only creative outlets that I have at the moment. And so here I am.

I've decided that I want to turn this site into more of a personal blog and just use it to share what's going on, what's on my mind, what I'm up to, etc. For now, I like this idea so I'm going to roll with it and see where it goes. When I'm not working or trying to learn how to ski, it gives me something productive to do.

Until next time. 

This is only a bunny hill.